Loving and Losing

I never could quite understand why we are made to love people so much only to lose them. We feel this emotion so deeply and then when we lose someone we are left with nothing but emptiness and confusion. Love is a double edged sword. It's the greatest thing you can experience, but often times when it's lost, the most painful thing you'll ever experience. I sometimes wonder if it is harder to lose someone permanently, to death, or if it is harder to lose someone that we still have the opportunity to speak to, but for whatever reason, we just can't. We lose our children in the memories of their childhood and miss it so much at times it's overwhelming. We lose grandparents, parents, siblings, children, relatives, and friends and are left questioning why. I have always believed that people come into our lives for a reason, that everything and everyone has a purpose. It can be hard to even consider believing there is a reason when we are left with so much pain upon their departure.

Losing someone permanently can be so overwhelming. We get lost in our grief and the world around us just doesn't seem to slow down. We see the loss and emptiness when certain times in our life rolls around and they aren't there to experience it with us. We feel the emptiness when we want to share something great with them and they aren't there to call. Their hugs we long for are no longer available. If we are lucky we might see signs of them in different places that make us feel a little more at ease, but we never quite get to that point where it just doesn't hurt at all. We feel guilty when we don't think about them because we don't want them to be forgotten. We see pictures of them or see old videos that can stop us in our track and take us back, almost like we expect them to just walk through the door at any moment. We hear songs they used to sing, or play on their radios so loud because it made them want to dance. It stings when the truth sets in, that they just aren't coming back.

Losing someone who is still alive is just as hard. We can't understand it, and the pain is just as difficult. We feel the loss as if they were gone permanently, but we might still see them around and it can be like seeing the picture or video that stops us in our tracks for those that are permanently gone. They are tangible, yet still so far away. We want to call and share things, we want to be in their presence, but then realize we can't. We might get lost in the thoughts of why they are no longer there, why they hurt us, and then realize that again there might be a reason for everything. Maybe one day they'll come back around, maybe they won't, but that loss is still very real. We can feel loss looking at pictures of our children when they were younger. They are there, but not the same. We feel the emptiness of those cuddly hugs as our arms feel empty. We feel the loss in understanding that they won't be under our roof one day or maybe already aren't anymore. Yet we feel proud of who they are becoming and the loss subsides some.

I have thought often of how to deal with this loss that loving someone can cause and struggle with trying to understand it. We are created to love, it is a great gift we have, but why does it hurt so darn much? We have people in our lives that we never envision will ever be gone, and then one day they are. I can feel my grandmother at moments when it's quiet, and get lost in the memories of her strength. She was so welcoming to everyone that she ever came into contact with. She never judged. She just loved, regardless of what you looked like, what you had been through, or where you were in your life. She taught me to be strong and to never let anyone mistreat me, because I was worth it. Then I realize that without her, I wouldn't be who I am. I think this goes to say that for everyone we love and lose, there is a lesson to be learned. This loss molds us into who we are. We may never get over the holes it leaves, but we can try to understand why they are there. What did this person leave with us? How did they make me who I am? When we can figure that out, we might be able to understand that a little part of that person is still there, living through us. If it's someone that caused pain, we can understand what we don't want to do to others around us, maybe who we don't want to be, but it is still a lesson learned.

Loss in my opinion, is something that never goes away. We might find ways to smile through, and even have days where we just feel nothing about it all, but at times it will find it's way back to you. You will feel it and try to process it, but we need to let it creep in and let our self try to find the reason, the lesson we were supposed to learn from loving this person so much only to lose them. When we start to look at loss in different light, we can begin to feel a little more at peace with the why's. We may never truly understand, and maybe we aren't meant to, but we can try to find little moments that make sense to us in our own ways. Understand that it has molded you into who you are, and you have the choice as to how you use that. Let yourself feel the loss, but let yourself try to understand it. Make something good of something that isn't good at all.